Chapter 4 of My Life: The Beginning~

4 years is enough to collect the most precious of memories. 4 years is adequate to meet real friends and good company. 4 years is sufficient to differentiate wants from needs and goals from aspirations. It's also enough to really find what you want in life. 4 years is plenty to SHAPE you into a person worthy of respect.
OLGC has been my home for 4 years. Although at times I get irritated about certain things, I now realize it was for the better. Our clinical instructors and professors taught us a great sense of discipline. Back then I would whine about how strict they are and compared them to my high school life. And it was all to make us better nurses in the future. It was to create a better person out of us.
I will miss the minor subjects that seemed like major subjects (toxic kuno haha), PE activities (which I've been missing for two years but gladly it's finally over coz I wouldn't know how to manage time with an additional subject XD), I will miss the roof deck that has always been humid and HOT (except for rainy seasons), I will also miss running around school while fooling around with friends (Mara chasing ate Bix while holding a spider), I will miss my Petitay friends who taught me that having fun and school can coincide. I will miss spending too much time in the comfort room for make-up retouches.
I'll miss the return demos and the feeling of nervousness before being called. One's mind going blank when faced in front of your clinical instructor on return demos. Memorizing certain procedures, answering questions on the spot, saying "ahhhmmm... wait lang po ma'am". I will miss ma'am Hebron saying "BABARILIN NA KITA!" haha it's weird though, instead of feeling more vexed and perplexed I would feel relaxed and at ease. LOL Maybe I'm part masochistic? And I will also miss my very first hospital duty with ma'am Hebron saying: "Go to your patients! Establish Rapport!" lol
I will miss going to the community on broad daylight and risk getting a tan, I will miss being given a make-up duty because of incomplete paraphernalia and absences. Though I feel blessed that I’ve rarely or never, maybe, been late on duties. I will miss hearing "scrub out!" from our clinical instructors (though I never experienced it before, I just found it kind of funny, the way they say it lol sorry, friends~!!).
I will always remember how SHOCKED I was (really, I WAS!) when ma'am Hebron told me I'll be a member of my current block.. Block 1. I felt like I didn't belong there. I knew I didn't excel too much in class and I was nothing like my classmates there, but if she didn't gave me that chance, I wouldn't meet my true friends, my precious group 1~! I will also miss (perhaps) how Boss Chief (Sir Gilbert) would corner me before I go inside the school door and tell me: “ID mo miss” or “hikaw mo miss. Tanggalin mo yan, kung hindi, kukumpiskahin ko yan” haha XP
Memories are so precious to me. It's a treasured part of my life which I can go back to and remember with fondness and say, "oh, I've been there and I'll miss it dearly, I LOVE those days!". It makes a person feel more secure to have memories to trace back what he/she was like in the past, and never forget where he/she came from.
I will miss hospital duties with my group mates, my favorite area (OR and ICU) and our built in instructors like Ma'am Majo. I will miss the times my group mates and I made silly things like taking pics (lots of 'em!), taking vids (endless vids!) and going out together (Star city, watching Harry Potter @ Shangri La, Ferry Boat riding, East Wood City overnights) and just being together having fun. I will miss teasing Mara and ate Bix (dynamic duo of Timon and Pumba, Ursula and Morgana, Big boobels and none boobels lolz, CI1 and CI2 they're a special tandem! But whatever it is they lack, they complete other people~!). I will miss my 4NE1 girls~! Kylie, Leanne and Mara (Again haha), the endless and countless times we’ve taken vids and sang all together like there’s no tomorrow. The super “gala” and karaokes. Hitting all high notes and rap like mad~ dancing like monkeys who just learned how to walk haha. My FUCKers buddies Kylie and Louie whom I have been with on almost ALL galas and movies~ My “Mga Kasintahan ni Rizal” girls~ Segunda Katigbak(Valerie), Josephine Bracken(Mean) and Leonor Rivera(Kylie)! My best ever dudung Anne Lorraine~! Who stayed with me despite my difficult temper and mood swings; whom I will always consider one of my closest friend.

For the rest of my life, I will continue protecting these friends whom I have given my loyalty to. Mess with them and I will mess up your life! Their friendship is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Their friendship is more precious than a fleeting romance I would find, stronger than anything that could tear us apart, special than your order of “special mammon” haha these friends are TRUE friends no one would find in just one day! They are friends who showed me their REAL self and their ugly self but their negative sides are sides I still consider beautiful. It’s what makes them TRUE and unveiled. People I respect!

I will always remember the lessons I’ve learned as a student, as a daughter, as a friend and as a junior. Tomorrow, a new journey begins. And we new graduates should open our arms and welcome this change! Tomorrow will end 4 years of learning but is the beginning of a new chapter of our lives.

This part of my life will be dedicated to my family:

To my mom, Virgie Carranza, who showed me undying support and unconditional love. She taught me “simplicity” and “practicality”.. My mom who understands me most and has been there in all my ups and downs. I’ve always wanted you to be proud of me for who I am and what I can do. For all the times you’ve been there for me and Daryll, I want you to know that now it’s my turn to help you and I will be here to support you with all I have. Your sacrifices didn’t go to waste~ I will treasure your efforts and your love, mama. You taught me how to really love and be loved in return, you will always be my BEST FRIEND!

To my tita, Veronica Songco, who gave so much to us; more than kindness. Who helped me reach this far. Without her help, I would never have realized how much I came to love Nursing. I would never have met my friends and the people who shaped me into a fine young lady. Thank you for everything! Your guide and help has been my pillar of support for 4 difficult years. I will always remember the lesson of helping without asking anything in return.

To my lola, Anita Carranza (Tseng Mei Mei), whom I will always love deeply and most affectionately. My dear grandma who loves me so much and I know she only wanted the best for me. Who shielded me from impurity and taught me how a LADY should be like. Who showered me with love and gifts, now it will be me who will shower you with all the love I can give and the time we both lost to distance. My dear lola whom I love soooo very much!

And to my brother, Daryll Bersamina. We fight almost all the time before, but now we’ve both grown up and matured and I came to understand parts of him that make him.. HIM. My one and only brother who I’m protective of (even though he’s not aware of it), my only brother whom I will continue to love and support no matter what. I’m sorry for being so immature back then and I ended up hurting your feelings all the time, but I’m trying to be a better “ate” to you. Someone you can turn to when you have problems. I’m always proud of you no matter what you do~ You never knew that I dote on you all the time and will always love you, lil bro!

Cheers Batch 2010! We made it this far! We survived college life! Go forth and multiply! Hahaha don’t take that seriously (unless that is already planned haha)

Best Night Ever~!

I had the BEST night of my entire life with Kylie, Mean, Joga and Lara. after the school event, we headed off to Metro Walk and had dinner first while listening to a live band. I think I fell in love with the lead singer's voice~ Looks can be deceiving! He looks like a boy but he's got a voice that can hook any girl~! Hope we could see them perform again next time we come back~
Then, it was time to parteee at "Decades"~
Well, what happened? SECRET~ But I had fun! So much fun~! Didn't expect something like that would happen to me and Kylie LOLz We're a tandem of two lucky girls I guess~ Snatched the attention of 2 eye candies quite perfectly and effortless~ woot!

Limits

Everything's falling and crumbling in my grasp...

I don't know what's happening anymore...

The more I try to preoccupy myself with studies and be serious about it,

the more I lose the people who matters to me the most...

I don't know what's going on...

Losing my boyfriend.. Losing my family time.. losing my interests..

And turning my back on who I used to be.

I thought I was doing well, I thought I was building myself a good future..

But what am I really aiming for? I can't find answers anymore.

I can't hold onto 4 different things at the same time coz I only got 2 hands...

Same as not being able to hold on to different things in life because I have my limitations too...

What should I do? I can't solve anything anymore..

Rainy day and sooo uncool..

I’ve been sitting in front the computer since like… I came back home after doing grocery shopping? And do my eyes start hurting? I don’t think so. All I get is a back ache for not sitting like a proper lady and… guess what, my leg is kinda numb already? Imagine indian sitting for a couple of hours while reading an ebook? Li-Yan’s split stunt would be quite similar to this. I’m like, tearing my hymen for no obvious reason? Stupid? yes. VERY

My playlist has been playing for quite a while now and of all songs I didn’t want to hear right now…. “Teardrops on my guitar”.. If I didn’t like Taylor Swift, I would have erased that to the pits of hell. No no no, I’m not being bitter today. Just opening up my inner book. Being my own self, that is.

My mom’s sleeping here beside me. Thankfully she’s not snoring. I do have a trick to stop people from snoring lol:

Wake ‘em up. It works wonders! Try it and earn yourself a shattered ear drums, or a punch or a slap, maybe?

oooh, news flash, reality strikes! I just found out Sachi hates me to the depths of oblivion? Yeah, like it’s something new? Drown it. I don’t care. I need a good fight to keep myself off on the side of boredom and procrastination. If she’s up for a duel, I’ll be there quite early ready to throw million insults and it’s a sure “KO” lol [Sorry Shin, your gf doesn’t really stand a chance. and I know you love meh too much to be mad at me for defeating your gf in an “insult battle” haha yeah, that’s definitely it!]

What’s cool about the rain is that it’s cold… and freezing…. well, maybe not freezing…But what’s so uncool about it is I can’t go out! @_@ I need sunshine and light! [not that I want to have a tan or something, that’s on the bottom of my list.. or rather, NOT on my list]. Then there’s this “I can’t hear what you’re saying! repeat!” coz the rain makes too much noise that my mom and I end up making silly faces saying “what? what?? WHAT??” and after which, there goes two noisy women shouting. ridiculous! hopeless! irritatingly fun! haha

Good news! “Hey” hunting on May 16 is definitely a sure go! Kylie and Louie are so into it and Komicon sure works to our “hey hey hunting” advantage. After which, we’re planning on watching “Angels and Demons” in Gateway or Mall of Asia? And some shopping too. portable hard drive, just wait for me! haha

End of senseless talking. I’m back to reading. tomorrow’s gonna be a GREAT…… boredom… I’d rather go on duties than bore my empty mind to oblivion.

Toosh toosh and tah tah!

Dig Deep: Love and Lies.. Love and Reasons?

Reasons hide behind thick walls we built, and sometimes, are left unexposed. Reasons stand as pillars of support when we feel like we're about to fall... But reasons are not what makes up all truths that would support evidence. Won't it just be called "lies" for convenience?

Just like "love"... Hiding beneath thick walls and sometimes, people tend to leave it unnoticed or sometimes, they prefer loving someone silently. For someone who depends too much on this feeling, Love serves as a support pillar. How? They see love as something that would inspire them, something that would encourage them and give strong motives for doing a certain thing.

Same as "Reasons", it doesn't prove things strongly that would be considered as a right hand for evidence or proof. "Prove me that you love me.." Someone would ask you. How can you answer when you can't prove it without lying by saying unnecessary words just for the sake of proving? [yeah, sounds complicating, I know @_@]

Love as Lies; Love as Reasons..... Yes, I think there's something like that.

Worst Anniversary Ever!

I've always thought that anniversaries were supposed to be a happy day.. That it would be a day for just the two of you and spending time with each other like normal lovers...

Anniversaries should be happy, right? It should be romantic.. Should be filled with smiles and nothing but positivity. But it's not like that, so it seems. It's my 1st ever 1 year anniversary and I've never felt so disappointed in my entire love life until this day came. All the frustration, the sadness, the expectations, the disappointments, everything I've been keeping to myself, I can't hide them now.

If we continue on like this, I'll end up hating him even more. More and more that there'd be no way for me to forgive him at all. If we keep this facade, won't we be hurting each other deeper? Won't the pain be more unbearable in the end?

I've waited months for him to change. Broke up with him twice but he insist I come back to him, saying words I know bears no sincerity. Words that sounded so selfish.... What about how I feel? Does he even realize I'm hurting already? I accepted him back with hopes of seeing him be someone I can rely on, be someone who would take this relationship seriously, someone who would understand the meaning of the things I do.

There are so many things I've overlooked, like reasons that should make me detest him. Important dates he forgot or he purposely disregarded. The endearment towards me that he started to lose day after day. How his interest no longer concerns me nor even includes me. That he CAN forget I’ve been waiting for him all day long with expectations of receiving an e-mail from him… His constant “I-don’t-give-a-damn” attitude. Him, flirting with other girls to the point that it seems more than provoking.

Everything about us just seems so wrong! The distance between us, countries apart. Him being Korean and me being a Filipina? Although other girls would find it dreamy, I no longer do. Him being in a band and being surrounded by people who idolize him, and me who’s just as normal as I can be? Us ending up together in the end would be impossible to imagine unless he really did change… But the irony is, for a whole year, I never saw him amend! Everything about us spells “incompatible”.. And I’m no longer happy about what’s happening to us. I’m no longer anticipating a future meeting, what’s going to occur, how long we will last. I have to put all those behind just like every single memories I had with all my exes.

Just like THAT, please fade away in my memories. I’ll be bitter, I know it would make me forget even just a bit. This 1 whole year gave me a little bit of happiness and excitement for a new love. But I won’t put up with this anymore. When a girl gets tired, it’s over. And when I say it’s OVER, it’s definitely OVER. If not for the accumulated hurt, I’d still remain by his side no matter what. But this time, it’s totally different.

I tried to dismiss the hate, but seeing things as it is now, it’s impossible not to feel anything. I did try, though. Tried to keep up with this. I never wanted to give up. I had no plans of doing so in the beginning. But it’s in this kind of situation that it’s best to give up and let go. I’ve been stupid, I know. I’ve been vulnerable, I know that too. But I’m not gullible. If things go further than this… The pain will be insufferable…

This anniversary has been my first. But this is also the first time in my whole love life have I ever “fallen out of love”. I may have broken up with other guys for reasons I keep to myself, but loving them, even after the end, is something more than truth would define.

Your retreating form, so majetic… yes, I was being sarcastic.

HAPPY first anniversary, Sungmin.

Which One?

The feeling of being thrilled and excited at the mere sight of a certain someone stays for such a long time. It might not vanish for years until you've finally made a move.

Now that things changed, when you've made a first step into knowing that person better, the nervousness of having to go through every single day by seeing that person and being in the same environment makes it hard to bear and the concentration you've kept in good shape gets altered without a warning.Decisions are always hard to make. There are thoughts of "what ifs" and "what shoulds". Weighing out all the positive and negative outcomes that may soon arise and you can't seem to predict the next move!

Wishing that things weren't as complicated as it is, wishing that if you have done neither what you wished and what you did. The regrets wouldn't have to be as grave and unbearable accompanied by the thoughts of a possible rejection and a winning decree of the negative outcomes. Regrets will come too late for us to correct them. And we think so silly of ourselves and the mistakes we commit.

Which is a lighter thing to bear? To be honest, be hated for it and a possible rejection? Or be silent, remain as you were and keep the pace steady as it has always been? Which is a less sinful act? One of lesser degree?