Worst Anniversary Ever!

I've always thought that anniversaries were supposed to be a happy day.. That it would be a day for just the two of you and spending time with each other like normal lovers...

Anniversaries should be happy, right? It should be romantic.. Should be filled with smiles and nothing but positivity. But it's not like that, so it seems. It's my 1st ever 1 year anniversary and I've never felt so disappointed in my entire love life until this day came. All the frustration, the sadness, the expectations, the disappointments, everything I've been keeping to myself, I can't hide them now.

If we continue on like this, I'll end up hating him even more. More and more that there'd be no way for me to forgive him at all. If we keep this facade, won't we be hurting each other deeper? Won't the pain be more unbearable in the end?

I've waited months for him to change. Broke up with him twice but he insist I come back to him, saying words I know bears no sincerity. Words that sounded so selfish.... What about how I feel? Does he even realize I'm hurting already? I accepted him back with hopes of seeing him be someone I can rely on, be someone who would take this relationship seriously, someone who would understand the meaning of the things I do.

There are so many things I've overlooked, like reasons that should make me detest him. Important dates he forgot or he purposely disregarded. The endearment towards me that he started to lose day after day. How his interest no longer concerns me nor even includes me. That he CAN forget I’ve been waiting for him all day long with expectations of receiving an e-mail from him… His constant “I-don’t-give-a-damn” attitude. Him, flirting with other girls to the point that it seems more than provoking.

Everything about us just seems so wrong! The distance between us, countries apart. Him being Korean and me being a Filipina? Although other girls would find it dreamy, I no longer do. Him being in a band and being surrounded by people who idolize him, and me who’s just as normal as I can be? Us ending up together in the end would be impossible to imagine unless he really did change… But the irony is, for a whole year, I never saw him amend! Everything about us spells “incompatible”.. And I’m no longer happy about what’s happening to us. I’m no longer anticipating a future meeting, what’s going to occur, how long we will last. I have to put all those behind just like every single memories I had with all my exes.

Just like THAT, please fade away in my memories. I’ll be bitter, I know it would make me forget even just a bit. This 1 whole year gave me a little bit of happiness and excitement for a new love. But I won’t put up with this anymore. When a girl gets tired, it’s over. And when I say it’s OVER, it’s definitely OVER. If not for the accumulated hurt, I’d still remain by his side no matter what. But this time, it’s totally different.

I tried to dismiss the hate, but seeing things as it is now, it’s impossible not to feel anything. I did try, though. Tried to keep up with this. I never wanted to give up. I had no plans of doing so in the beginning. But it’s in this kind of situation that it’s best to give up and let go. I’ve been stupid, I know. I’ve been vulnerable, I know that too. But I’m not gullible. If things go further than this… The pain will be insufferable…

This anniversary has been my first. But this is also the first time in my whole love life have I ever “fallen out of love”. I may have broken up with other guys for reasons I keep to myself, but loving them, even after the end, is something more than truth would define.

Your retreating form, so majetic… yes, I was being sarcastic.

HAPPY first anniversary, Sungmin.